Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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