Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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