I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
