Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
