there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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