She's JV to your varsity
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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