Umm I'm too high to move.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize