My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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