No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
