My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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