It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
