He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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