Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
