That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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