i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
