Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
