I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
