Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
