My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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