3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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