Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
