splinters make it hard to masturbate
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize