My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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