I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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