I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
