Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize