Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
