I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
