help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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