he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
