im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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