Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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