Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
