I'm going to jail i love you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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