I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
