I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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