bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
