I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
