I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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