Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
