You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
