why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Houston, we have a squirter
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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