Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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