history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Drake has all the answers
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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