i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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