So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize