You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
