How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
