My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
