I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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