So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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