Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
