I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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