I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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