Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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