This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
