Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
