I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize