My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
