He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Even my vagina gasped.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
