I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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