too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i now understand why vodka
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
