I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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