Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
