remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
