Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
