What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
