I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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