A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
